Abba, we welcome you into the space of unbelief.
We thank you for the space of belief within us.
For you allow them both to co-exist in these difficult moments on the journey.
You do not scorn us for being dust; for wanting to believe and yet housing doubt within our minds.
Thomas knew this feeling, the father in Mark 9 did as well, and so do we now.
Your grace is needed today.
Your grace is welcomed today.
Your grace is wanted today.
The only thing within we have to offer up to defeat these battlefields in our soul, is You.
Your love.
Your grace.
Your mercy.
Your kindness.
You who does not give a stone when His child asks for bread.
We are in need of bread today.
Sustain us Abba with Jesus, the Bread of Life.
Satiate the areas of our soul that hunger for answers,
that fear both knowing and not knowing.
Fill us up with your peace that gives and gives without us even knowing how.
May we live today on every word that proceeds from Your lips.
Every promise to be near.
Every promise to never forsake.
Every promise to love, to be gracious, and kind.
All this we beseech from you Abba, in the name of your Son who affords this all.
Amen.
-copyright 2024, Amy Brady
If you would like me to lead you through the meditation on this prayer, click the button below for an audio lead guide.
If you want to meditate on it alone, here are some ways to ponder this liturgy further…
-In what circumstances within your life do you hold space for belief and unbelief simultaneously?
-How does that make you feel to hold both belief and unbelief within the same heart? Does it feel human to have conflicting beliefs or does it evoke shame or confusion?
-Do you think Jesus understands this conflicting space within you or do you feel He is disappointed in you for having it?
-Are there areas of your life where you don’t feel allowed to be human with complex and unresolved feelings or beliefs? Can you name those areas in prayer to Jesus?
-St. Ignatius encourages us to seek what he calls “indifference”. It is not a place of apathy, but a place we come to with both our belief and unbelief. We do not judge either. We just allow them to be, to air out. We open them up to the Spirit, not weighing one as more valuable than the other. In doing so we release them. As we do this, the Spirit can work to integrate them both and show us what they both bring to our spiritual formation.
Can you do that now? Hold both of your palms out. Imagine your belief in your right hand and your unbelief in your left hand. Give them equal weight. Offer them both to the Spirit of Jesus and rather than exhausting yourself spiritually or mentally, allow Jesus to, over time, bring discernment and understanding.
Spend a moment in a prayer formed called a Colloquy- a prayer where we tell God what we are experiencing and then listen for God’s response or impression.