Practicing Lent when your heart is aching

mustering up the courage to listen to your ache

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What do you do when practicing Lent in some way feels like too much?

What do you read when your mind is exhausted from the awareness of the mess that lies within you?

What do you pray when your spirit cannot find the words to bring to the feet of Jesus?

How do you rest when grief feels like a full time job and your body is limp from carrying your load?

As a spiritual director I have begun to notice some common ground amongst the dear souls that come to sit with me a spell.

One of those commonalities is never feeling like they are doing enough as a daughter of the Father. They strive themselves into exhaustion spiritually. When they don’t feel they can see or hear God they worry. Always looking for the next devotional, or Bible study so they can at least feel like they are doing something, anything.

They find themselves working so hard to sense a Presence that is always there but rarely in the ways our busy minds and bodies can detect. Like the choppy surface of a lake on a windy day, there is no reflection to be seen.

Reflection only comes in stillness.

But what if a season on the church calendar seems to be calling for us to be active in participating?

But is it calling for that?

What if the things I let go of during the Lenten season aren’t my four cups of tea a day, Instagram, or meat? There is nothing wrong with these fasts as long as they lead to the heart of Jesus.

But what if the call of Jesus through this Lenten season, for me this year, is to fast micromanaging my relationship with Him?

What if instead of a process He is asking me to just be in His Presence? To be still and wrestle with the incredible discomfort of not having a carefully and beautifully laid out plan for this holy season?

Could I still be holy if I did that?

Perhaps Jesus wants you all to Himself this season. Undivided attention. Deep listening. No props, no guides, just the Savior Himself.

If that sends you running for a paper bag to breathe into just thinking of such lack of direction might I suggest that is the struggle to fast?

The struggle to be really, really still. For a long time. With nothing to guide you but the Savior’s strong and capable hand.

That’s been my call this Lenten season.

I’ll be honest. When I realized the movement in my spirit was leading me there I was both relieved and disappointed. I love a good devotional, a plan, a structure to lean into.

But my aching heart? She was so incredibly relieved. It felt too good to be true to allow myself a space like that when I wholeheartedly encourage others to participate in this season.

My encouragement though is always for you to lean into where He is leading whether that is in the season of Lent or outside of it. Asking Him first, where He wants you to go. So I needed to do the same this year.

Should you find yourself somewhere betwixt in that space of doing and being, freefall into His arms.

Sit in the utter discomfort of it.

Ask yourself why it feels so awkward and empty?

Invite Jesus into that.

Sit with the ache in your heart.

I know, I know, it is an awful place to be sometimes.

But how else will you bear witness to your own suffering?

How will you know where you need to heal without feeling the symptoms?

How will you know how to form the prayer for healing and wholeness on your lips without the compass of your pain?

Join Him this Lent in His suffering.

Allow yourself to feel His suffering as it takes its form in your own.

Remind yourself that He knows that space more intimately than you because on the cross He took it all upon Himself. He allowed Himself to feel all of it. Your suffering and that of all humanity past, present, and future.

I often wonder if it was the embodying of our suffering in that moment that took His last breath from Him, more than the agony of crucifixion.

I wonder if that space where we struggle to breathe under the weight of the pain and the ache is what forced His last breath out of His lungs.

I know for me sometimes it feels like that is possible.

Maybe this Lenten season this is the space you need to be. Participating as you can in other ways, but not prioritizing them over your pain.

If this season tells us anything it is that He came to be near to that ache, to Shepherd us through it, and to call us beyond it.

Will you walk with Him this season through His suffering and your own?

Take heart, Dear One.

Be of good courage.

The Savior walks with you hand in hand.

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Here are some Lenten playlists to accompany your Lenten journey, whatever it may look like this year.

• A sweet compilation from the beautiful artists, Salt of the Sound.

• A lovely offering from Sacred Ordinary Days

• A very eclectic mix I personally have compiled during the Lenten Season this year.

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Have you considered adding the spiritual practice of Spiritual Direction to your Lenten season?

If so, click here to enjoy a discounted rate for my Substack readers: Book a session with Amy