I think I could write about grief and tell a different story every time I did.
Grief is truly a very enigmatic and usually unwelcome visitor.
It changes and shifts.
It surprises and shapes.
It hides and reappears.
It is intense and subtle.
And strangely, it can heal. But that’s a whole other topic for later.
Recently, I have felt tears behind my eyes wanting to fall. More than ever, I know they must. They must be given permission to fall whenever they feel the time is right. Which is so often not when my time is right.
But various moments have brought them forth, some that make sense to me and others that don’t. I know I need to make some time soon for them to just have their way. My body demands it and my soul needs it.
After experiencing my own crippling grief and listening to others share theirs as a spiritual director, I truly believe that Grief is at the root of every struggle we have.
The tears that sting my eyes these days, are about moments I have made peace with. Moments I have lived, grieved, and even felt a resurrection from.
But Grief always lingers.
It takes a lot of patient time to look grief in the eyes and not feel fear.
Once she arrives, she never really leaves. But she’s not here to harm.
She will be misrepresented and scorned. She will be hated and locked out.
But still, quietly She will come and place her hand on your heart and whisper, “I remember. Do you?”
And remember, I will. And the tears will ask to fall. Because there’s always tears that never fall.
The ones we hold back with anger. The ones that exhaustion has no more energy to entertain. The ones someone walks into the room just as they are about to cascade and we wipe them away for another time.
There are always tears that never fall.
And Grief in her tenderness comes to us and says it’s time.
Fear rises up and says “It’s not a good time.”
Pain rises up and says, “I can’t do it again.”
Busyness rises up and says, “We don’t have time to fall apart.”
But Grief says, “Jesus can hold you there. He knows just what you can handle. And He knows when your soul needs to remember and grieve and let go and rise again. If you can’t trust me, can you trust Him?”
The tears wanting to fall for me lately feel like long lost friends I left behind on the battlefield that was my daily life for over ten years. I cried many tears, welcomed Grief many days, but there were some unspoken truths of what those days did to my heart that no living soul has heard.
Jesus has. But I haven’t spoken all of it, and I’ve said a lot of it out loud. In therapy, in spiritual direction, in conversations with trusted friends, in EMDR, in my journaling. And yet, still there is more.
Sometimes I’ll write something in a journal or comment section or in response to a text or an email from a friend, and there she is again, Grief. Sometimes those moments look like this,
“There were times a few years back during a very traumatic time of my life that I was submerged in a daily, heavy grief. I would go to bed and wonder if I’d wake up. Maybe the grief would just take me in the night. I was ok with that. Because waking up to it again took my breath away. My brain would actually feel like it was cramping. It literally could not compute. Eventually through accepting the new reality of my life I began to heal. But my brain and life forever changed. God used that to make me into a version I was hoping to become one day but my plan was to get there without any suffering required. His plan was what I needed to be who I am today and to be that also for those He’s placed in my path. He’s near to the brokenhearted and that nearness, eventually felt, has made me whole, but my body remembers the days of grief and so we limp together.”
“Each time, and this is sometimes daily, that the reality of these Griefs settles on me like a dark cloud, threatening to place an unwanted burden on my heart for the day or week or month, I must reach for Him. He's there, but honestly I have to make the choice to see Him and when I can't see Him to believe He is there. Some days I can. Some days I can't. Either way, He can. Through all the difficulty, the grief, the beautiful, the messy, there is one thing that has never, ever changed. My good, good Father. He has never left me. Never, not once. Did I always feel Him near? No. Did He always make His presence known to me? No, He didn't. How many times have I screamed at heaven in the past few years just begging for Him to intervene, to change something, someone, me? I was trying to hold onto Him, but all the while I was being held by Him, even when I didn't sense it or know it. This is a very difficult thing for me to express in words, but it has been Truth for me. He has never left me. The clouds simply covered the sun for me at times, but still it was up there, shining and that simple scientific fact brought me hope many days. Even the darkness is light to Him and some days that's all you need to know.”
Grief is there again but more refined than before, more hopeful, more aware that she made it through to the other side. She’ll speak in a way that makes that hidden time of my life feel so seen, and it takes my breath away. I grieve afresh. But in a new way that doesn’t define me. It refines me. It reminds me that I can survive the utter desolation of myself, my world, my hope, my dreams, my mind, and be resurrected.
The scars, like those of Jesus, will remain with me forever.
But so does the hope.
And Grief made that possible.
What do you do with your grief? Do you feel it? Ignore it? Talk with someone about it?
What is your biggest fear when grief places her hand on your wounded heart? What do you fear with happen if you allow her some space in your life for a time?
Do you allow yourself to be angry about the reason for your grief? Even angry with God? He’s had a lot of practice with humans in this area! the Bible is full of examples of Him being able to handle our grief with compassion. If you are not comfortable with the idea of being angry with Him, what do you suspect is the reason for that?
Because the griefs I have experienced in life are very disorienting for me at times, I had to come up with a plan for what I do when Grief visits. I’ll share more about this another time but for now, here are a few things that helped a lot.
Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard
Beautiful Music that helps the heart speak when words won’t come.
I would love for you to come back on Sundays for my Simple Sunday Liturgy. It’s a simple, prayer, poem, or liturgy for Sunday mornings. It is usually followed by a guided meditation experience. Sometimes it’s journaling, questions to ponder, art, or music. Just a simple and short way to begin your Sabbath. You can check out my page for past posts to get an idea of what it’s like.